Wednesday November 24, 2004

            Hate is such a strong word.  I always say that hate is something that is not said unless it is meant.  Yesterday I lied.  I said “…I hate me” (See yesterdays Journal Entry) but that is not true.  What I did to Tyler hurts, I know.  I feel it every second. But it was something that I feel that I had to do.  I refuse to be a problem in some ones life. I cannot stand by and watch as the people I care about struggle with choices and decisions that concern me. 

            What I did yesterday was done out of fear, anger, and frustration.  I want to take it back, but this time, time is against me.  By now I am almost certain that Tyler has gotten the email that I sent to him that basically destroys any chance that I have with him.  I have tried to call him many times over the past day or so, and he is not answering.  In a way, I hope that he hasn’t gotten it and he does not want to talk to me so that he can think clearly.  But I have a feeling, deep within me, that he has gotten it and is hurt by the things that I said.  I feel pain; I am not some incredible person who can feel nothing.  I am affected by things like every other person. But in that email, I came across to him, I think, as someone who doesn’t care. 

            What I did yesterday was the responsible thing to do.  At least the elders that are around me on a daily basis, who know the story, tell me that it was a very, “mature and responsible thing for me to do.”  I agree with them on some levels and that may be the case, which it was the responsible thing to do, but I do know this: Responsibility sucks royally!  Why is it that the responsible thing to do hurts so much for the people involved?  I was scared of being hurt and so I lashed out in a fit of trying to stop from being hurt. Here is the genius of this situation, not only did I hurt myself in the process, but I also hurt someone who most likely cared about me.  And now, I can’t even get a hold of them to tell them what a fool I was yesterday and how sorry I am.

            So much has been communicated to him through these journals.  I hope that in time, if he stumbles across this, he will read it and understand that I am torn by the wrong that I did yesterday.  I have confessed to him my interest, frustration and concerns.  And now I hope against all hope that he will get this message of remorse and regret.  Because I can think of nothing else that I can do from this point forward.  It is out of my hands, in his, and there is so much pain.

-Eric