Holy Hell. Okay I will admit that I am most likely the world’s worse sore loser. And I am not talking about just games here. Sure I don’t like to lose in those. For me it is very depressing. But the thing is, I don’t show it all that much. If anything it comes across as annoyance. A least in the beginning. After awhile it shows its true face as anger.

But what I want to talk about is not the fact that I am a sore loser in video games and the like. I want to talk about the bigger things, for instance, my college classes. I haven’t lost yet [failed] but I am getting the feeling that I am getting close to it. I am so far behind and it seems that no matter what I do I only get farther behind. The frustrating part is I am good at both my classes. My English Composition class, the problem is writer’s block; I just can’t seem to get over it. Even switching topics isn’t helping at all. I don’t know how to overcome it. And as it stands from the time that I am writing this I have three essays due by tomorrow and I only have one more to go but that damn block is in the way.

My German class? Well, that is just a homework problem. I was sick for a week and missed a couple of classes and so I am playing catch up. I have four assignments due and I don’t know when. Soon, I know that much.

Well if I fail either of these classes, I guess people will see what happens when I lose in life.

Oh well on to other things. Andrew and Carole from Open Meadow, the High School that I graduated from, showed up at work today. That was coll. I got to hear Joan, the HR director from where I work, praise me. Man, I don’t think I have ever blushed that much in my life. I then helped set up the conference room with all the stuff they would need and that was it. I went back to work.

(Side Note)

-Philosophy

I believe in the rule of opposites,

That the two sides of a coin,

Are loss and greater loss.

That grief dribbles out of the bottle

As effortlessly as joy,

And if you scoop up everything sad,

Your hands will discover the texture of hope.

-Jane Bailey

(End Side Note [Taken from Tri-Met Bus])

I am finding tat while Tyler is gone, time seems to be slipping away. You would think that it would be going slower than all hell in his absence. But hey I am not complaining one bit. The sooner he gets here the better.

For the first time in my life I am scared that I am going to mess this up. What if he comes back and then he leaves me because of some flaw that I may posses? Or I mess up and say something stupid in one of my ADHD Lapses? I am not saying for one instant that I am not willing to take that chance. God Knows I am willing to be with him. To quote someone that I don’t know "Tis better to have loved, then to have never loved at all"

I have done well so for keeping my emotions in check. Usually I skip "Like" and go straight to "Love". But this time I have taken it slow. I have begun by instead of trying to get hi to love me, I instead have worked on building the friendship first. I hope I am doing okay.

There is so much that I want to confess to him. Most all of it good, but I am not sure how he will react. Maybe I am too shy for him. I mean he tells me to talk to him, and I don’t know how many countless times, I have picked up the phone to do just that. But I always freeze. I find that I just can’t say the words that I so long to say. I find that I can’t tell him the difficulties that I am having daily. The reason. One. Kindness. I don’t want to weigh him down with my problems. God only know he has got plenty of his own. What with school and all.

Well I don’t know how I will do tit but I know that I am going to have to be more open with people, especially Tyler. I can’t just keep to myself anymore. I need to tell people when I am hurt and sad. They need to know so that they can help me. If that is their desire. No one man is an island

-Eric