Okay, this is going to be kind of long.  But that is okay. You enjoy reading this stuff. Right?

Also this one is going to be on the serious side.  I can’t help it, the stress of not saying anything is going to be my breaking point (See Friday, September 24, 2004 - Part 1)

So I shall begin.

Today’s topic is that of the heart.  Here I will write about my thoughts and beliefs on love and relationships.  I will be honest with everyone now.  I have been saying for the last couple of months that all I want to do is have fun.  Well that would be a lie. All I have ever really wanted was someone to love.  Through my life I have been in a few relationships.  All of them have failed miserably for one reason or another.  Be it cheating on me, lying, being cruel, or just plain losing interest in me.

I found someone who loves me once, but it didn’t work out.  It never could either considering the circumstances. I am not saying why it didn’t work out. I promised I wouldn’t.  That relationship being lost hurts the most. I will be clear on this point.  It was his fault that it didn’t work.  But the point is. I loved him and in a way, still do. I also know that I can never go back.  Nor could I take him back.

Isn’t love interesting? Sometimes you can love someone so much that you chase them away.  Or so much that if they show no more interest in you…well you begin to hate them…kind of a Love-Hate thing.

Once you love someone you cannot help but love them.  To some degree you will always love them.  You can hide it well, God only knows I have. But then you will end up betraying yourself in the end with some online journal…and everybody knows I have…LOL

Well there is the past of my Love life in a nutshell.  Now how about my future?

Once again it is time to be honest.  I am interested in someone new. I have been for awhile.  I guess you could say that I was interested in him before I realized it. He is sweet, kind, understanding, and comforting.  Now he is a long ways away from me and I have no idea if he is truly interested in me anymore.  Somehow this interest became a matter of my heart.  And thus the battle of Mind v. Heart begins.  My mind is saying “He is a long ways away from you. Why are you waiting for him? He isn’t waiting for you.” Then there is my heart answering “I am not waiting…I just can’t find anyone. Besides what if I do find someone and then he comes back, is single, and interested in me…I lost him.”

And the funny thing about this journal is, He is reading it.  He is a long ways away from me but he is reading it.  And do you know why?  Because I sent him a link to it.  Not to my page as a whole. NO! To this specific entry. And you know what? He is reading this and thinking right now “Eric, you’re a FREAK for getting attached!”

-Eric